We went to go and watch the Sound of Music on Wednesday. It was a surreal experience for me as I have managed to avoid watching it since 1994. At that time I was involved in a production of it - my first professional production - and the show was something of a life line for me at the time. I was fifteen and struggling with the popularity game in an all girls private school and the afternoon rehearsals were my one ticket out of school every day. When the show ended, I simply avoided anything to do with the Sound of Music. I think I wanted to keep those memories sacred, but I also didn't like the associated feelings that came with remembering that time of my life.
Well, as fate has it, my in-laws stepped in and quickly changed that event for me. I found myself reluctantly sitting ready to watch the West End performance of it and not quite sure how I would respond. The opening was fine, but when the entrance of the children came, I broke down into sobs. Suddenly I remembered everything - the adrenalin of waiting backstage for my first entrance, the joy of having all those lights shining down at me, and the true fun I had running round the stage and singing, Do-re-mi.
Fourteen years later, that feeling is not something I experience any more. Years of failed auditions and critical singing teachers put made that opportunity a deep memory not a present reality. To sit in a theater and have all those feelings come flooding back at a time when once again I am building up a new life in a new city, was a little horrific. What if I had made different choices? What if my family had never moved away? Would I still be enjoying the adrenalin of live performance?
And, what about now. If I responded to dramatically to that old memory, is it a sign I need to get back into live performance? Can I cope with the inevitable rejection that comes with it?
These are the thoughts I now ponder.
